Why Harry Potter Should Have Carried A 1911

Ok, this has been driving me crazy for seven movies now, and I know you’re going to roll your eyes, but hear me out: Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

Here’s why:

Think about how quickly the entire WWWIII (Wizarding-World War III) would have ended if all of the good guys had simply armed up with good ol’ American hot lead.

Basilisk? Let’s see how tough it is when you shoot it with a .470 Nitro Express. Worried about its Medusa-gaze? Wear night vision goggles. The image is light-amplified and re-transmitted to your eyes. You aren’t looking at it–you’re looking at a picture of it.

Imagine how epic the first movie would be if Harry had put a breeching charge on the bathroom wall, flash-banged the hole, and then went in wearing NVGs and a Kevlar-weave stab-vest, carrying a SPAS-12.

And have you noticed that only Europe seems to a problem with Deatheaters? Maybe it’s because Americans have spent the last 200 years shooting deer, playing GTA: Vice City, and keeping an eye out for black helicopters over their compounds. Meanwhile, Brits have been cutting their steaks with spoons. Remember: gun-control means that Voldemort wins. God made wizards and God made muggles, but Samuel Colt made them equal.

Now I know what you’re going to say: “But a wizard could just disarm someone with a gun!” Yeah, well they can also disarm someone with a wand (as they do many times throughout the books/movies). But which is faster: saying a spell or pulling a trigger?

Avada Kedavra, meet Avtomat Kalashnikova.

Imagine Harry out in the woods, wearing his invisibility cloak, carrying a .50bmg Barrett, turning Deatheaters into pink mist, scratching a lightning bolt into his rifle stock for each kill. I don’t think Madam Pomfrey has any spells that can scrape your brains off of the trees and put you back together after something like that. Voldemort’s wand may be 13.5 inches with a Phoenix-feather core, but Harry’s would be 0.50 inches with a tungsten core. Let’s see Voldy wave his at 3,000 feet per second. Better hope you have some Essence of Dittany for that sucking chest wound.

I can see it now…Voldemort roaring with evil laughter and boasting to Harry that he can’t be killed, since he is protected by seven Horcruxes, only to have Harry give a crooked grin, flick his cigarette butt away, and deliver what would easily be the best one-liner in the entire series:

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing my 1911 holds 7+1.”

And that is why Harry Potter should have carried a 1911.

  • Author: Whind Soull

PS. Click the picture at the top of the post to see Harry Potter shoot Voldemort.

13 COMMENTS

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Bill May 3, 2011 at 01:32 am

From what I’ve seen, it was first posted by Whind_Soull on reddit.com/r/guns. From there, it spread to facebook and elsewhere.

Link to what is believed to be the original: http://redd.it/gwl0v

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DaveP May 3, 2011 at 11:26 am

There’s also a bit in one of the Sluggy Freelance parodies (the Giblets with Fiber, I think) :

http://www.sluggy.com/comics/archives/daily/080425

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Steve May 3, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Fantastic. I completely agree. Also, the person who wrote this has some crazy deep knowledge of Harry Potter.

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Priest May 3, 2011 at 05:22 pm

so….harry is a brit. How is he supposed to get a gun? The poor boy can’t even buy a pocket knife.

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DaveP May 3, 2011 at 05:27 pm

The clowns at Finsbury Park Mosque never seem to have much of a problem…

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triplek May 4, 2011 at 09:02 pm

Harry could just cast a spell and wave his magic wand and make a 1911 or S&W model 29 44 Mag., or better yet, get a Wildey semi-auto pistol in 475 Wildey! Yahoo!

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032125 May 3, 2011 at 06:17 pm

I always feel that way when i watch Scooby Doo; the episodes would be 3 minutes long if they would just pack a shotgun.

Velma “Swamp monster? All I see is a gut-shot janitor!” BLAM!

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DeadpoolPSG May 3, 2011 at 10:58 pm

I read all the books, and the whole time I just kept thinking how quickly the series would have been over if just one of the characters had been packing. LOVE IT!

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Freedom, by the way May 4, 2011 at 07:12 pm

What a wonderful spoof this would make if put to video. Of course, if the wizards had guns then the Harry Potter series would never have come into being as the sensational childrens’ blockbuster book and movie series. Much more fascinating to cast a nasty spell than simply blow someone away. Hmm. I’d love a weapon that could do both!

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cargosquid May 5, 2011 at 05:26 pm

This works for Star Trek too. If Kirk had had an M-16 or .45, many of his problems would have gone….away. It takes too long to phaser someone.

And that whole “no guns” thing is why “Shaun of the Dead” and “28 Days” works for Britain and “Zombieland” works in the US.

And even then, the US gets it wrong. I guarantee that there would be some house clearing in neighborhoods across the country once its shown how easy it is to stop zombies.

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Whind Soull May 5, 2011 at 07:54 pm

I’m the one who wrote this!

I wrote it last November and put it on my Facebook page. A few weeks ago, I posted it to Reddit to see if anybody would like it. A few days later, a friend called me and told me to go Google it, and I discovered that it had exploded all over the place.

I’m glad you liked it, and you’ll be pleased to know that I’m an avid reader of your blog. It’s an honor to have it posted here. :)

Glad you guys liked it!

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ENDO-Mike May 5, 2011 at 09:05 pm

You wrote an instant classic. This will be passed around as long as people still know what harry potter is!

Glad to hear you follow the blog. Got any more gems up your sleeve? :P Make sure to email them to me to post!

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Nicholas Gallup June 27, 2011 at 11:26 pm

You sir, are an absolute genius, I’m spreading this around my friends, don’t worry, you will get credit

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