Tactical Bodyguard Services

For all jobs (big and small) if you’re located near Mongomery Alabama…

We specialize in security for clubs, bars, convenient stores, and private parties. We are also available if you need extra protection for shows, trips, dinners, or transportation. No job is too big or too small for us to handle.

(Squad pictured on left)  Honestly if this is real, I should just hang up my wireless keyboard right now because my internet quest is complete.

There are a whole load of pictures on their facebook page with hilarious comments… you need to check them out.  I’ve never seen such a high concentration of mall ninja operator DERP in one place, it’s epic.  Note the Walther G22 with the gas station holo sight is one of the main battle rifles.

Their website tacticalbodyguardservices.com is more of a placeholder page, but *shrug* looks legit.

What do you guys think?  Got a job lined up for these operators?

UPDATE: WOW… I just called the number on the website 334-694-3088 and actually got company voicemail.  So epic.

Hat tip: Ryan W.

81 COMMENTS

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Steve November 1, 2011 at 12:43 am

You win the internets tonight.

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Frank November 1, 2011 at 01:09 am

At least they have trigger discipline.

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Cayton November 1, 2011 at 08:23 am

John Moses Browning thinks you are being a little ridiculous with the whole trigger discipline spiel.
http://i.imgur.com/X8ecF.jpg

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Tim November 1, 2011 at 08:26 am

Except not. Take a look at their Facebook.
Mike, you have found the Holy Grail… er, so to speak.

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Frank November 1, 2011 at 11:28 am

I was wrong. Obviously I didn’t understand how tactical these guys until I looked at their facebook.

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Steve in Delray November 1, 2011 at 01:11 am

Sleep well; Tactical Bodyguard Services is watching over you.

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Frank November 1, 2011 at 01:33 am

Or your kool-aid/lemonade stand.

Frankly, I’d rather see these dudes than a bunch of stupid-ass-hip-gangsta-wannabes.

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matt November 1, 2011 at 01:16 am

Fugitive recovery from a 300 lbs woman with a Walther G22. Judging by the choices in guns, im guessing that those MOLLE carriers are not only devoid of pouches but likely armor as well.

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Matt G. November 1, 2011 at 04:12 am

If you look closely. the bigger chick in the first picture is holding a High-Point.

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JScottNH November 1, 2011 at 04:42 am

Tactial… No one noticed? SuperDerp with a spelling error on top!!!

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RWC November 1, 2011 at 09:46 am

JScott,

Go and check if you can see the other super blatant spelling mistake.

I missed it the first coupe of times ’cause I thought nobody was that dumb.

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RWC November 1, 2011 at 09:46 am

shit…’couple’

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JScottNH November 1, 2011 at 04:49 am

Ohhhh…. I get it… They are way too High Speed Low Drag to be slowed down with “C”s …. There’s no “C” in SEAL Team 7, Delta Force or CIA….

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Jay November 1, 2011 at 12:41 pm

EPIC lol, opps EPI!

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Kranknstein November 1, 2011 at 05:39 am

it hurts make it stop.

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Garda November 1, 2011 at 06:54 am

The Wal-Mart of SPEC OPS!

This is what happens when you have your moms credit card and access to yor local army navy store.

Where I come from they are called “creamers.”

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Ryo Ohki November 1, 2011 at 07:16 am

Holy crap is this the graduating class of Viper Academy?

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Andy November 1, 2011 at 08:09 am

Well, they’re not a licensed business in Alabama. What are the chances they are not licensed armed agents?

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Andy from CT November 1, 2011 at 08:41 am

Bwahahahaha!!! I can’t stop laughing. Oh, God it hurts! Can’t breathe!!!

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Jeff November 1, 2011 at 08:43 am

I was wondering what Malcom Jamal-Warner was doing after “The Cosby Show” and “Jeremiah”.
I am also not sure if big girls sausage fingers could actually reach those triggers.
@Frank, I think these are hip gangsta wannabee’s, they just have more access to TACTICAL MAGIC.

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Frank November 1, 2011 at 06:22 pm

Leftover resin doesn’t count as magic. :D

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Huey November 1, 2011 at 08:44 am

they got to be legit..the one guy has a shaved head, goatee and high speed shades….

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Dave November 1, 2011 at 09:05 am

This made my morning.

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ExurbanKevin November 1, 2011 at 09:08 am

When did Gecko45 start posting family pictures online?

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RWC November 1, 2011 at 09:11 am

LOL. I love the muzzle of the third sweeping directly into the fourths face.

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Andy from CT November 1, 2011 at 09:15 am

The FB photo comments are KILLING me!!! They can’t even figure out how to set up FB so that they can keep people from posting, how are they supposed to watch your 6:00?

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RWC November 1, 2011 at 09:29 am

Andy,

Got this one from an MMA forum –

“This is what happens when you take a backwoods hick, mix in some airsoft and COD, then throw in some meth and a sex offender charge that prevents them from ever actually joining the military or police force.”

LMAO.

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RWC November 1, 2011 at 09:28 am

Dude on the far right is raising six more DERPS.

Co-owners FB page –

http://www.facebook.com/mydixieangel

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ExurbanKevin November 1, 2011 at 09:33 am

“Look, our motto is ‘To Serve and Protect’. It says nothing about ‘Go to the gym’ or ‘Use reliable guns’.”

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Josh November 1, 2011 at 09:46 am

This is too hilarious. I would think too hilarious to be true, but sadly, I’m aware that there are really people this ridiculous in the world.

And if you haven’t looked at the photos section on their FB page, it looks like people have been taking their pictures and altering them to make them even MORE hilarious.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2366927126801&set=o.141965079197359&type=3&theater
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2011058286166&set=o.141965079197359&type=3&theater

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Crunkleross November 1, 2011 at 09:51 am

Check out HQ on Google Earth street view.

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Mike November 1, 2011 at 10:28 am

Looks Legit

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El Duderino November 1, 2011 at 10:48 am

I bet if you were covered in chocolate with a nougaty center they’d know exactly where you are.

Isn’t the guy with the Mossberg that annoying hip hop artist on the Dr. Pepper commercials?

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El Duderino November 1, 2011 at 10:57 am

Checked out the FB page. Those guys obviously practiced “escape and evade” during English class.

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Vhyrus November 1, 2011 at 11:52 am

I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that for the amount of money it takes to hire these guys you could probably go out and buy most of their gear and still have enough left over for a shooting course.

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RWC November 1, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Yep, it’s real.

http://www.speedhustle.com/profile/MichaelSaloom

“we do security for all event great prices hit us up 7065943290 3342020298 security for lil webbie,future & we worked with kmg promotions.”

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Jay November 1, 2011 at 12:44 pm

They sure do put the “Special” in Special operations.

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Sid November 1, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Of course these guys are legit. You don’t think they sell a duster length black rain jacket to just anyone, do you?

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Jwhite November 1, 2011 at 01:20 pm

Wow… Obviously have no clue how to maintain the air of professionalism… Please not the image which states “Rape: Its what I do.”

Seriously?

Pathetic.

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El Duderino November 1, 2011 at 01:34 pm

Mike Judge thought Idiocracy should be 500 years in the future. It’s clear that Idiocracy is now…

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Andy from CT November 1, 2011 at 03:01 pm

You do realize that was not their doing. It’s some prankster. But it’s pathetic that these guys don’t even know how to set up Facebook so that people can’t post the comments they are making as well as the funny pics.

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El Duderino November 1, 2011 at 05:42 pm

I kind of figured as much, the comments on the pics are, ah, less than flattering.

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Mr. Normal November 1, 2011 at 01:38 pm

“special” as in “we deploy at high speed from the Short Bus” special.

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ExurbanKevin November 1, 2011 at 01:54 pm

Hi-Point C-9 Pistol – One hundred and fifty dollars
Nylon holster with magazine pouch – Twelve dollars
Airsoft tactical vest – Forty two dollars

Being the butt of Internet jokes for the next decade – Priceless.

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SigWeb November 1, 2011 at 02:05 pm

Holy smokes, those guys are even worse than the folks you highlighted a while back out of Motown with Threat Management Center… *shudder*

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SigWeb November 1, 2011 at 02:26 pm

*wheezing* can’t stop laughing.. the fail it is strong…. the facebook page has a link to heavy six as a ‘friend’ holy moly…ENDO where do you find this stuff….?

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Dave November 3, 2011 at 09:17 pm

Good question. How do you find this stuff? My g-d. It’s incredible dude.

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Josh November 1, 2011 at 02:33 pm

There’s another website too, http://www.wix.com/tbsservicessvc/tbs, where they manage to spell “bodyguard” right twice, and wrong three times. These guys are geniuses. If this were even the slightest bit legitimate, wouldn’t you expect to see some biographies/qualifications of the individuals involved? It looks like a bunch people got laid of from Wal-Mart and decided to start their own business!

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Andy from CT November 1, 2011 at 03:05 pm

They have one rifle (a Walther G22 .22 LR), a 7+1 Mossberg 500 and four handguns between them. One of them, a Hi-Point.

I love that photo where they are all serious and watching the guy shoulder that powerful 10 shot .22 bullpup. The total badassery is making my face melt off.

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ExurbanKevin November 1, 2011 at 05:30 pm

I’m thinkin’ that’s not even a 500, it’s a Maverick 88. Nothing against that gun, by all accounts it’s good entry level defensive scattergun, but a Benelli, it ain’t.

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Sid November 1, 2011 at 03:37 pm
Josh November 1, 2011 at 03:42 pm

It must only be the numbers that are important, because it does take you to their FB page, where the address is misspelled differently!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Tactial-Bodygaurd-Security-Svc/141965079197359

I wonder how long it’ll be before they catch on that they’re being laughed at all over the country and take down their pages. I wouldn’t be surprised if a few people have called and left messages making fun of them! I’m not going to waste my cell phone minutes for these clowns, but I’m sure there are others who would.

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jpcmt November 1, 2011 at 04:15 pm

Ok, I’ve figured it out. They’re professional trolls and they’ve posted this bogus site to draw the ire of the shooting community so they can pursue all their detractors, haters, defamers, etc. in court under cyberbully laws…then all our money will belong to them..then they can buy real guns and gear and training and start a real blasphemy of a security firm.

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joker November 1, 2011 at 07:21 pm

Wonder if the dark haired girl wants to make a little money on the side as a stripper?

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032125 November 1, 2011 at 07:46 pm

The Facebook page has gone bye-bye. Apparently not as well received as they had anticipated.

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Toadstone November 1, 2011 at 08:33 pm

Yeah, I just missed it. That sucks.

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Josh November 1, 2011 at 08:50 pm

Better send ’em an email and ask them what happened

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Critter November 1, 2011 at 09:15 pm

Given that all security guards in Alabama have to be certified by the state before getting their permits, I wonder how these guys did in class….

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Josh November 2, 2011 at 02:39 pm

I did a little checking on that, and from what I could find, it seems that the only “certification” they need is a license, from the state, to carry a weapon for private use. The business must, of course, be licensed by the state, and from what I read, most professional security companies require their personnel to attend some sort of certification training. The operative word in that sentence though was “professional;” it’s clear there is nothing professional about these buffoons.

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JScottNH November 2, 2011 at 05:06 am

I am soooooo bummed that they took it down…. I can just imagine when they logged in and saw 1165 comments and thought “Hell Yeah Bubba!!! We’re in the money” Then reading all the trolling… I wish there was a camera on that… Would have been way better than any 2 Girls/1 Cup reaction video

They could have become famous if they hit up Discovery Channel to make a reality tv show…

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Ernest Young November 2, 2011 at 07:45 pm

Discovery Channel already has a surplus of idiots playing with guns.

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B November 2, 2011 at 03:41 pm

Hey dude on the left, Morpheus called….he wants his coat back.

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Who November 2, 2011 at 08:27 pm

Meal Team 6

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ozwald November 2, 2011 at 09:16 pm

are they gonna run personnel protection for you at shot show next year?

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ENDO-Mike November 2, 2011 at 09:18 pm

Hahha did you see that post I made on their page before it was removed? Unfortunately they never got back to me yet. Probably too busy training to join the Secret Service.

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ozwald November 3, 2011 at 10:52 am

How unprofessional. For the low price of $11, you can receive my full tactical personnel protection package. I will personally skulk around you wearing my 5.11 gear, Tapcoed SKS and throat mic that isn’t connected to anything while you go about your highspeedlowdrag errands.

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Josh November 2, 2011 at 09:48 pm

I can’t tell you how I came across this information, but I assure you it’s legitimate.

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Josh November 2, 2011 at 09:50 pm

Aw shit, I should have double-checked first. I shorted one ten minutes when I typed it…

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ENDO-Mike November 3, 2011 at 12:29 am

That’s so epic Josh! It deserved its own post. LOL

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John November 2, 2011 at 11:04 pm

I… deeply regret being late to this shindig.

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Scott November 3, 2011 at 12:29 pm
ENDO-Mike November 3, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Epic! That would make a good ENDO headquarters / tactical museum.

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CrunkleRoss November 3, 2011 at 09:35 pm

Well that solves a mystery that’s plagued me for years, I just knew the Dog stole that look from someone, noway is he cool enough to come up with that himself, now I know.

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Mike November 4, 2011 at 12:05 pm

They apparently deleted their Facebook page. This makes me a sad panda.

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Crunkleross November 4, 2011 at 03:29 pm

That is just how diabolically tactical these people are..deleting their own Facebooks..

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nraendowment November 5, 2011 at 04:21 am

Come on, admit it – the guy wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap is Bill Murray, right?

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Justmeagain November 5, 2011 at 05:46 am

It appears that they also offer food tasting in addition to their bodyguard services.

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keenan December 13, 2011 at 08:02 pm

the following is cut from their yellow book ad. AWESOME….

In Business Since
•2001
Hours of Operation

•24/7
Payment Types
•Cash ONLY
•PayPal
•Personal Check
Languages Spoken
•English

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CMDR. April 19, 2012 at 03:16 pm

They would look more official if they had:
1.) Standard FITNESS requirements
2.) A standard tactical uniform set and vest (all of them having the same style tactical vest and uniform)
3.) The same badges. I would not a security company if all of it’s agents/officers had different badges.
4.) Did uniform inspections to make sure they look PROFESSIONAL!

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Felicia Bragg August 13, 2015 at 12:29 pm

They need to take my cell number off their stupid website and that slutty lookin bitch needs to take it off of her POF profile too. ewww

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nigsosoft December 19, 2015 at 02:08 pm

Picture of the two girls…with the caption no job is too BIG or SMALL, and they literally have a fatass girl next to a smaller gal depicting the caption for the image!
The first picture with all of them is a complete joke! I bet you anything this a joke or parody of something. Starting from the left to right, the first guy looks like a rapist/flasher….why is he wearing a long leather trench coat on a bright sunny day? The snorlax hippo looking girl next to him is pretty self explanatory……she looks pregnant! The nerdy girl next in line is even worse!!! She is pointing her gun at mr. Clean’s head! But why do they have the guns out and not holstered in the first place!?! Do they think showing off shitty looking guns in different stances makes them more legit?

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