Colion Noir Living A Life You Broke MFers COULD NEVER

He now reviews luxury automobiles. Get used to it broke bois:

It’s narrated in that velvety Colion Noir voice, sprinkled with jokes, music references and various other esoteric references as you would expect.

I’ve decided two things after watching the video… 1) I’m going to check if the NRA is hiring / delete past blog posts and tweets where I no doubt cooked them 😂… and 2) I’m going to keep telling myself owning multiple vehicles is too much of a pain in the ass with all the care they require if they you actually drive them a lot.  I’m going to completely ignore the fact that if you’re not a broke boi like myself you just have the dealership arrange a flatbed guy to come pick up the car and take it in for maintenance, and when it needs a wash every couple days (to keep looking extra glossy just to constantly let these hoes know) you have the man with the mobile detail van just stop by the high rise… have the concierge buzz him into your private parking and he does his thing while you’re asleep. Some of you are probably asking yourselves “I don’t get that flatbed to dealership thing…”, and my answer to that is when you’re ultra rich you obviously don’t have the time to waste on stupid shit like oil changes, preventative maintenance, warranty recalls etc… so they just come and pick up the DB11 and you drive your Range Rover Velar that day. You probably have important stuff to do like read a new book while you listen to the ocean, do some online shopping, and maybe try out a new sushi spot? And yes they PICK IT UP on the flat bed because that way no one poor gets poor germs on your buttery seats, plus they don’t even put a single mile on it. A related protip for all you ballers too (if you’re not already up on game), is that you can start off a night of relaxation by cruising some place nice for food and drinks in your fancy car with your girl… then because you’re rich things quickly get out of hand… you two down 1..2…3 expensive bottles, and next thing you know you’re both absolutely SAUCED. Now what? How are you getting your car, your girl, and yourself home safely? You toss flat bed mans the text / drop a pin to show him your location and boom he’s there to scoop up your ride and deliver it back safely to your crib. You and your girl take an UBER BLACK home (UberX is for common poor folk) when you’re done for the night.

NOIR really dropped the ball by not using the Drake line “Subtle reminders are key… jeeze” at any random point in the video just to flex 😏.  The Eames lounge chair in his livingroom name drop at 3:46 no doubt went over a lot of the poors’ heads, but for those that don’t know that chair starts at $5000 in it’s lowest end configuration and goes all the way up to around $8000.

Oh and NOIR had to do it to em in the pinned top comment on the video (if you click through). I won’t paste it here, but to summarize it basically says “I’m going to keep making whatever type of videos I want to, so deal with it”… which can also be summarized with this song:

Y’all got any thoughts?

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