sheepdog

Jaxon was jolted awake, instantly feeling like he needed his morning coffee more than usual. It could have been the regular “saving the world” type dreams he had that made him feel less rested, or maybe it was because he was already subconsciously annoyed by the sound of his girlfriend McKayleigh’s Macbook keyboard. She was incredibly aggressive on the thing, which caused more than a few fights between the two of them; a topic which Jaxon finally learned to quit providing unsolicited commentary on. He emerged from the bedroom, glancing over at the kitchen island, where McKayleigh was going back and forth between fussing with her portable ring light, and smashing at letters on the keyboard to tell her colleagues that she’ll turn video and audio on in a minute. “Good morning babe!” Jaxon said, leaning in to kiss her. “Not now Jaxon. Uh I mean good morning, but I have to get on this Zoom call.. like 5 minutes ago actually” McKayleigh snapped. Jaxon walked quickly to the other side of the kitchen, where he pulled the stainless steel carafe from the base of the coffee maker. He could tell by the light weight of it, things were not looking good… he grabbed the nearest mug from the cupboard above with his other hand, then started to pour. Sure enough, barely 1/3 cup of cold sludge.. Great. Just as he was about to go through the steps to make a new pot, he could hear McKayleigh’s muffled yell from the pantry – “WE. ARE. OUT. OF. WINE. ArrrrrGHH!”. Knowing the stress punctuated comment was definitely made for him to hear, Jaxon turned his head and yelled back; “Didn’t I just get like 6 bottles?”. As she emerged from the small room she coldly glared at him due to the accuracy of this question, while taking it as rhetorical and simply stating “I need MORRRRRRRE. How else am I supposed to get through these meetings without the creative juice flowing?”. Jaxon chose not to point out the fact it was 9:30AM on a Thursday; instead offering to quickly get dressed and make the trip to the liquor store. Whatever… the stress levels were already too high for him to relax, the calls themselves (which she did daily) were annoying, plus it would give him a chance to grab a coffee on the way. On his way out the door, McKayleigh yelled “Kisses! Make sure to get something for yourself!”. “Ok, see you in a bit babe.” Wow how generous, I can buy a bottle for myself with my own money… what a novel concept thought Jaxon as he rolled his eyes and entered the access door to the garage, hitting the large grey button on the wall. The aluminum garage door loudly lurched up, bathing his Dodge Ram 1500 Rebel Crew Cab in morning light. Jaxon smiled, once again satisfied with his choice of Hydro Blue pearl paint, as he opened the driver’s side door to grab the handle and swing his body up into the plush leather seat. Flipping open the center console, he grabbed his trusty custom stippled M&P .40 in the Blackhawk SERPA and slid the paddle between his 5.11 pants and belt on his right hand side. With “Caribou Coffee” selected from the GPS favorites, and an ETA of 4.5 minutes, this morning was finally looking up for Jaxon.

The south end of strip mall parking lot was normally bustling at this time of morning, with the Caribou Coffee drive thru line typically stretching up to a dozen idling pickup trucks. This morning it was suspiciously empty. Jaxon drove up, and piloted the mighty 1500 between the concrete guides to make his way up to the ordering window. Upon arriving, there was a small sign which read “CLOSED DO TO CORVID-19. God Bless.”, so much for that thought an annoyed Jaxon as he let out a sigh. Chirping the tires in frustration, he pulled out of the drive thru and sped to the other end of the parking lot where the liquor store was. If there was one thing you could count on, it was liquor stores being open. Jaxon pulled into a parking spot near the entrance, where a large neon Budweiser sign indeed read “OPEN”, and people were coming and going. Jaxon hit the off button on the truck, press-checked his M&P, exited and made his way up to the entrance. Given the choice between sliding automatic doors and a smaller manual side door, Jaxon excitedly reached into his pocket for his house keys, which shared a keyring with a new EDC tool he recently ordered but hadn’t had a chance to try out yet. In the age of viruses this new tool was for poking and pulling things in day to day life in order to minimize contact. Jaxon put his middle finger through the loop and extended the hook end of the tool out to the door handle and pulled back. The first attempt caused the tool to slip back off the handle. Not a big deal, second attempt… hmmm same thing. By the third attempt, the weight of the door pulling on his middle finger was starting to hurt. Jaxon winced and straightened his hand, causing the partially open door to swing closed – pulling the EDC tool and keys with it, sending them crashing to the ground. “Need some help sir?” a girl in her early 20s asked as she was waking up to the automatic doors. Annoyed at the situation which just unfolded, in addition to being called sir Jaxon replied “I’m good, thank you Ma’am.” as he grabbed the items off the ground then pulled open the door with his right hand. Once inside he took a second to collect himself, massaging the bridge of his nose and eyes in frustration with the same hand. Next, pulling the phone out of his pocket, he started up the notes app to double check the name of the wines McKayleigh drinks… oh right, that expensive California stuff. I don’t know why she can’t drink the $8 bottles… Something about “the sulphites” giving her headaches; sounded like a fancy excuse. I’m sure they have plenty of good grapes here in North Dakota, he thought to himself as he made his way over to the USA Wines aisle near the middle of the store.

Still on his phone only half paying attention while walking, Jaxon arrived at the aisle cutting the corner very close with a hard right turn.. almost tripping over a display that wasn’t there a few days ago. He stopped to see what it was, and couldn’t believe his eyes SHEEPDOG WHISKEY that was PEANUT BUTTER flavored! Unbelievable!! This morning really took a turn for the better for Jaxon. He grabbed a wheeled basket from the opposite side of the aisle and carefully placed two of the bottles in it, all the while ignoring McKayleigh’s voice in the back of his head saying what she always says to him “Jaxon, puHleese be normal.. don’t drink your personality babe”. Whatever, my money my rules he thought as he took a handful of steps over to the California wines, with his Sheepdog Whiskey in tow. He quickly pulled the eight bottles that McKayleigh requested off the shelf and placed them haphazardly into the basket, then rushed to the front of the store to pay. “That’ll be $185.” the clerk said, as Jaxon cringed and fumbled to get the proper credit card out of the straps on his minimalist wallet. Why someone that works in “Social Media” for an online tea brand would need to drink $150 worth of wine per week during the day on video calls, was yet another topic that when brought up only caused Jaxon a lot of grief. Her justification was that it helped with the creativity on the marketing aspect of things. All Jaxon saw was a weak cobbled together predictably earth tone colored aesthetic appealing to basic girls, mixed in with stale memes and forced-feeling inspirational quote style captions that weren’t clever, original, or funny, but were supposedly to “promote positivity and community”. It was hard for him not to laugh when he first heard her say the latter part out loud.

Back in the powerful 1500 Rebel, according to the GPS Jaxon was 3 minutes from home. He thought of text messaging McKayleigh to ask if she could pause the video on her call when he arrived, but decided against it because she was already in a “mood”. Pulling up to the driveway, Jaxon hit the opener button and waited for the garage door. He pulled inside, and walked around to grab the wine and whiskey from the passenger side, closing the garage door by hitting the button with his elbow as he entered the house with the bags. “JaxxoONNNNNNNN? hahhaha JaxxxxxxONNNNN?! ahahahaha ” he could hear coming from down the hall. There were several voices overlapping and they all sounded drunk. Oh great thought Jaxon, as he took his shoes off and walked down the hall to the kitchen. Upon reaching the kitchen McKayleigh grabbed her open laptop with one hand and jumped up to greet him, somehow already smelling like wine, trying to give him a sloppy kiss. “Are you still on your call?” asked Jaxon. “AHHAHHA Yea! You know Ashleigh, Bria, and Amberleigh!” “HEYYYY JAAAAAXON” they echoed somewhat in unison on screen. “Oh, uh hey girls!” Jaxon awkwardly replied. “What did you get her!? SHOW US!” Amberleigh shrieked as McKayleigh grabbed the two bags from Jaxon and started unloading them on camera. “Chardonnay, Chardonnay, Cab, Chardonnay, Shee….” she trailed off and turned beet red, quickly fumbling for the next bottle. “LOL WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE?!” exclaimed Bria. “Nevermind.” McKayleigh replied in a serious tone. “SHOW US. SHOW US. SHOW US.” the three girls began chanting. Jaxon picked the remaining Whiskey bottle from the bag and quickly held it up to the camera “Sheepdog Whiskey, and it’s peanut butter flavored!”. The girls absolutely lost it, distorting the sound on the macbook speakers with their high pitched squeals and cackles. McKayleigh instantly turned even more red. She glared at Jaxon, and quickly slammed her macbook screen down, ending the call.

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Wow..

Ok ok… we get it, you live to combat the wolf 🙄🙄🙄

Thoughts?

📷 @forestcasey

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What part of the game is that? *extremely Killah Priest and Ras Kass voice*

3:12 – “you can’t convince me that someone doesn’t have 20 or 30 minutes a day, to dedicate to the craft of being a citizen defender if it’s important to them”…”you can’t convince me they don’t have the money to buy a SIRT pistol and practice every day”.  I initially forgot what this guy’s schtick was until he said citizen defender and SIRT pistol… he’s the laser gun training guy who rebranded the SHEEPDOG.

So… 20-30 minutes with a laser gun per day is considered “training”?  Thoughts?

This all reminds me of a famous quote.. “The greatest trick the sheepdog ever pulled, was convincing the world he was a citizen defender.”

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See you in a bit, I’m headed to AutoZone!” exclaimed Jared to his fiance Karen. “Didn’t you already get the Punisher decals and that huge chrome Calvin urinating on the Toyota symbol last week?” she replied. “Hell yeah I did, I gotta upgrade to the racing brake pads though… for safety” he barely managed to say without a smirk. “Alright.. well just don’t go overboard.” Karen felt she had to add, as Jared already had one foot out the door.

In the driveway Jared’s newest beast was waiting; A 2020 F-350 XL SUPER DUTY with the V8 Powerstroke. He hopped in and hit the push button start… Nothing happened. He hit it again and heard a click. Not in the least bit phased or frustrated he pushed the button a third time and the truck spurted then gurgled to life. “Must be the new anti-theft system they told me about at the dealers, sweet!” impressed, he said to himself. Jared put the truck into reverse, backing out of the driveway and almost hitting his fiance’s Nissan Leaf. The drive to the AutoZone was uneventful, except for two police cars speeding past him in the opposite direction on the highway. Jared touched his hand to the base of the grip on his IWB Glock 21, knowing that someday… somewhere when the boys in blue ever needed backup he would gladly oblige. He didn’t shoot much, but he watched enough YouTube videos to know he was a deadly asset.

The AutoZone parking lot was surprisingly empty for a Sunday afternoon; a blessing in disguise considering Jared couldn’t park the truck properly to save his life. Backing into a large spot (to make a quick exit if need be), he still managed to hop the curb and press the rear bumper against an already struggling sapling on the outskirts of a flower bed. Oblivious to all of this, Jared put 5.11 A.T.A.C.’s to asphalt and briskly walked towards the entrance. “It ain’t me… it ain’t me… I ain’t no senator’s son…” CCR played quietly over the outdoor intercom speakers as Jared grabbed the door handle “I AIN’T NO FORTUNATE ONEEEEEEE NAHHHHHW. Hey Fellas!” Jared sung out as a portly looking worker covered in motor oil who was messily eating a gas station style hoagie, briefly diverted his eyes upwards from the classified section of the newspaper. “I’m looking for new brake pads for my 2020 F-350 XL SUPER DUTY… what you got?” Jared inquired. The man never looked up again, but a teen girl emerged from the back and asked him to repeat his question. “Oh yea the 3F 50.. Riiiiight I’ve heard those things are rough on brakes” the girl said. “Oh, no it’s brand new I just wanted something steeped in performance. What are my options?” asked Jared. Thinking back to her training last week, of always maximizing the sale and profiling the customer with dead giveaways and playing off those to sell the high margin products, the girl paused… “You look like you work out… I mean like, you look strong. You a cop?” Despite the fact that Jared was not Law Enforcement this absolutely made his entire day. “People ask me that a lot” (Note: no one ever has… not even once) “I’m a sheepdog if you know what that is… basically the same thing.” continued Jared. “I knew it!” the girl said, half flirting with him at this point. “Do you know Stop Tech? We just got these new brake pads in that are absolutely made for protectors like yourself. I’ll go grab them from the back, don’t go anywhere k?” Jared definitely wasn’t going anywhere. The girl emerged holding a box; while walking towards him she read “Engineered for extreme conditions….” Jared cut her off “Wait.. does that say tactical? Are they thin and blue?” The girl knew this sale was in the bag; “You bet! You even kind of look like the guy on the box ha ha” she replied. “Haha I kinda do. I’ll take them.” replied Jared. “Quick response for first responders…” he read out loud off the box while she scanned the barcode. “It is a good idea to splurge on these little things that help me protect better.” he said, which at this point fell on uninterested ears. 📷 @the__nicholas__christian

Hope you guys enjoyed that, thanks for reading… hopefully you got a laugh or two.  The fellas on Instagram absolutely lose their mind over these, so I’m going to try to do them more often.

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I looked at this pic, and almost immediately created this Sheepdog fan fiction you can read below:

Kyle pulled into the parking lot of the Best Western PLUS, making a hard left then pounding the gas pedal once; making the nearly bald tires on the Crew Cab Dodge Ram 1500 4×4 chirp loudly. Coming to an abrupt stop under the awning at the entrance, Kyle carelessly flung his door open hitting the shuttle bus next to him. He hopped out, both of his Coyote colored 5.11 combat boots hitting the ground at the same time; slamming the Ram door closed with such force it’s incredible the window didn’t shatter. This got the attention of a weathered looking lady chain smoking on the bench at his 2:00. As Kyle squeezed his girthy midsection between his truck and the bus, he glanced over at the woman and their eyes met. “The BW PLUS amirite? *rubbing his fingers together to represent big money* Not that broke regular BW shit.” he commented, impressing her with his wit. She laughed and started to reply after finishing a massive drag of her cigarette, but was interrupted by a coughing fit followed by the need to snort and spit a viscous red, grey, and green mixture of fluids on the ground as Kyle walked past her towards the hotel entrance. Realizing she was actually younger than he originally thought; “that’s a baaaaaaadd woman”, Kyle said quietly to himself as the two automatic doors sensed his presence and opened wide.

Once inside the maroon and dark wood lobby, he was greeted by a female staff member. “Checking in sir?” she said in a cheerful tone. “YUP” Kyle replied as he approached her, fumbling through his left cargo pocket. He fished around amongst the dip container, keys, flashlight, extra Ruger magazine, custom handkerchief, knucks, lighter, pen, multitool, paracord monkeyfist, cell phone, and folding knife until finally locating his RFID blocking custom EDC wallet containing his ID and credit card. It was one of those complicated wallets with bungee cords and multiple pieces, which ended up being a big production every time it was opened… Kyle loved it though. As he flipped the one retaining bungee cord off of its notch to deploy the cards, the BW girl caught a glimpse of one of his forearm tattoos. “Mow-lawn-lay-bee? Is that how you say it? That’s one of those Conservative gun things?” she asked. “Mow-lawn-law-bay… come and take them. It’s from that movie 300.” he replied, his face lighting up. “ …and yea I’ve been known to put booger hook to bang switch occasionally.” he said modestly while smirking. “We have CNN on all day here… what do you think about Trump’s new comment on silencers?” she asked. Impressed that this girl seemed to be an ally, Kyle was more than happy to talk shop with her. “Honestly, I ain’t too worried about it… Trump man… My president knows things we don’t. I trust the guy.” he said as he took a deep breath and adjusted to a more authoritative body posture. “Look, I have lotsa silencers” he continued… “but I never wore ear plugs for shooting before I had them, and I can hear fine. If they give me what I paid, for what I got.. then yea I’ll give em back. Won’t affect me none. I’ll keep on shooting. I just worry about the neighbors waking up ahhaha” he laughed. “Oh ok, good to hear sir. Anyways, your room is ready… it’s by the pool #762, down the hallway past the ice machine, then on your left. Enjoy your stay.” “Whut? I’m sorry I couldn’t hear what you said Miss, can you repeat that?” Kyle asked. She repeated the room number and directions loudly back to him in the quiet empty lobby. “762, hell yea thank you. Catch you in Valhalla. I’ll go move my truck” he said nodding once politely, then pivoting on his right foot 180 degrees surprisingly quickly before making his way back towards his parked truck.

📷@badnewsbeers92

Thoughts? 😂

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If you don’t protect the flock KEEP SCROLLING BUDDY.  Don’t hit play:

haha this is pretty good, like OG mattv2099 style.  I don’t want to spoil the jokes by time stamping them and writing them out to then in turn but the standard “LOL toooooo good” beside it, so just watch the video and you’ll see what I mean.

Gat tip: Will, who in the email said “my friend showed me this video”… a classic line said by those sending in their own content.  I’m perfectly fine with that btw, you just should own it when it’s that good.  A classic ENDO story is that NOIR did the same thing to me when he started making videos…. I’m talking like way wayyy back when I was parent’s basement living and we both had better hairlines and less stress.  Next time I’m at my parent’s house *implying I don’t still live there* I should fire up that OLD pc, load up gmail classic and burn that email for a few days into an old LCD monitor that’s kicking around then get him to sign it and co-auction it with him on eBay for charity; to maybe to send a Sheepdog and his family to Disneyland.

Thoughts?

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