Gun Show Personalities

Allow me to illustrate [gun shows] for those of you who haven’t had the experience. Lemme first state the obvious: Guns shows aren’t about guns. No, guns are only the foundation of gun shows, and like on a house, the foundation is hardly worth talking about it as long as it’s there. And I don’t know how many people are actually aware of it, but gun shows are actually a social sciences experiment run by a super secret sect of the federal government that is also responsible for OzFest and the infamous Robot Chicken. This program’s primary purpose is to seek out every single negative racial and cultural stereotype and put them all together in the same gutted warehouse and/or dilapidated ballroom in order to monitor their interactions and watch them consume 181 different flavors of beef jerky and those $9 hot dogs that smell like farts and taste like sawdust. They also use it to monitor who is purchasing cannon fuse and tattered photocopies of The Anarchist Cookbook. I can’t confirm it but it is suspected that they also engage in datamining and sell their collated results to firearms manufacturers such as Taurus and Springfield Armory so they can continue to produce cutting edge products like The Judge in calibers that are best suited for a fifteen pound Mauser-action safari rifle and M1A SOCOM with enough rail space to attach every Surefire and Magpul product ever made… at the same time.

Some of the personalities you may run into include:

  1. Fatass old white guys with Harley shirts and stretch-waist jeans engaged in open carry (zip tie through the action)? Check.
  2. Skinny young black guys in baggy FUBU clothes and a big chain necklace checking out chromed Desert Eagles? Check.
  3. Ugly, pale, maybe-pregnant trailer trash girls in halter tops and short-shorts wandering aimlessly? Check.
  4. Asian tourist (sans camera) looking at the amazing array of tools of barbarity used in America? Check.
  5. Guys of all ages and races dressed as cowboys and looking at SASS (Single Action Shooting Society) cowboy guns? Check.
  6. Super rich fat bald guy in khaki shorts and polo (drives H2) that makes it clear to everybody he owns REAL MACHINE GUNS? Check.
  7. Militant lesbian couple with matching neck tattoos and 400 ear piercings picking out Glock 26s? Check.
  8. Scrawny white kid with goatee wearing “tactical clothes” and cheap nylon drop leg holster for no legitimate reason? Check.
  9. Nerdy middle-aged, middle-class white guy looking for a Mossberg 500 for home defense? Check.
  10. Goth kid sitting in the corner, staring at the floor? He doesn’t even really like guns but he’s here because his brother is. Check.
  11. Guys from the nearest military base (or police station) browsing up and down the aisles laughing at the gimmicky hardware? Check.
  12. Obese guys that used to be in the military sporting jackets with 500 patches and talking about all the tactical action they saw in the ’80s? Check.
  13. Ancient white guy (must be 70+) wandering the aisles with a muzzle-up’d beater rifle from the 1920s, FOR SALE sign on the barrel? Check.
  14. The white high school kid who learned everything he has to know about weapons from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 trying to explain how recoil works and what you can do to fight it. Check.
  15. The “south will rise again” guy, normally between 350-450 pounds, wearing a confederate hat and sweat-stained grey Walmart sweatpants. He talks about old Bobby Lee like an old friend he hasn’t seen in awhile and how he is looking forward to the next American civil war where he is going to single handily kick the crap out of every government agency himself. Check
  16. Security guards (obviously from somewhere other than the show), dressed in “full uniform”, going around picking up and trying out everything with the word “tactical” on the tag. Check

Some of the Vendors:

  1. Hi-point vendor who will tell you he’s sold thousands of them and has never heard a single complaint about them breaking or jamming.
  2. “Historical” vendors selling every type of item they could find with a swastika or a confederate flag on it.
  3. Grumpy old bastard. He has a table full of cheap shotguns and rifles in poor condition and yells at anyone who touches them. He firmly believes the rusting Mossberg 500 is worth every penny of the $350 he’s asking for it.
  4. Overworked knife guy. He has six tables loaded with closed cases, and is the only one working the booth. If you wish to buy from him, you’ll have a 30 min wait.
  5. Ammo purgatory. He has a huge display with every type of ammo anyone could want – set up with absolutely no order to any of it.
  6. The six dozen displays that have ZERO firearms but every bubba’d accessory known to man (and then some).
  7. The crazy/political/oathkeeper/threeper vendor. You can’t even get a price check from this guy without him starting on some political tirade or delving into some weirdo conspiracy theory. He’ll often make vague or ambiguous comments while giving you a knowing look or wink (while you’ve got no idea WTF he’s talking about).
  8. Beef jerky!!!

Source: Email forward

LOL so true so true.

The List of Offensive Shooting Range Stereotypes is another must read, if you like this one.

16 COMMENTS

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maddmedic October 15, 2010 at 08:16 am

Hmmmm…
Not sure where you attend gun shows, but I have yet to see any that bad!!!
Must be our nice and cold Northern Climate.
Keeps the trailer trash, riff raff and sweaty, fat old guys away!
Now I am not saying you see some interesting characters at said shows. Which you do.

Reply

cigr October 15, 2010 at 09:25 am

This was compiled from a discussion on Reddit. Here’s the original source.

http://www.reddit.com/r/guns/comments/dqnk3/gun_show_personalities/

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elscorcho_73 October 15, 2010 at 10:21 am

Hit it dead on the head for here in Florida, whether you came up with it or not , thanks for posting. keep up the good work.

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ariggsd October 15, 2010 at 10:31 am

HAHA so true, at least for my part of Tennessee anyways. I would just recommend adding one more to the vendors list: The guy who has his own gun shop but brings the most expensive new stuff to the show to sell it for twice as much.

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Adam October 15, 2010 at 11:25 am

That’s exactly how they are here in Missouri. I’m very excited for the one next month, but you forgot one glaring detail.

Gun Shows are NOT the place to find deals!

Everything is always way overpriced at these events. They have the “It’s here now” upcount (rather than discount) so just cause it’s on a table in front of you they can jack up the prices and not negotiate.

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Admin (Mike) October 23, 2010 at 02:48 pm

Gun Shows are NOT the place to find deals!

No kidding! I go as much for the entertainment of seeing what people with tables are asking for their old crap.

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Newman October 15, 2010 at 06:30 pm

Missouri gun show are the best! Crazies everywhere! Most of the “vendors” aren’t even from Missouri (except CMMG) and charge way more than Midway USA or even Brownells. What happened to trading firearms? You might as well hold on to them and wait till all hell breaks loose and trade for a woman or a horse. If you’ve been to one gun show in the last 5 years you’ve seen the same stuff they had at the most recent one. They are cheap entertainment and you can come back the second morning and watch the suckers get suckered. God I love gun shows!

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Ozwald October 15, 2010 at 08:47 pm

at first i was like :(
and then i realized i was #8
and the only reason i was wearing the holster was to be TACTICOOL. how else would people know i’m highspeedlowdrag(pronouncedasoneword)?

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Admin (Mike) October 23, 2010 at 02:47 pm

hahah yea you always gotta be good to go slaying bodies in the primary

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Josh G October 16, 2010 at 05:31 am

I’m #8 but with a white T, blue jeans covered in sheetrock (and/or paint), Redwing boots, and an empty holster cause the place doesn’t allow for loaded firearms.

On a cold day I might have on a carhartt sweatshirt… guess I’m the “Construction worker stopping in on break” ?

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Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9 June 14, 2011 at 03:10 pm

Yep, I’m number nine, except I don’t buy because Adam and others are right- no deals at a gun show. And ya gotta be a number 9 to catch the number 9 reference.

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Patrick April 17, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I totally disagree that there aren’t deals at gun shows. I’ve already figured out that this is the major gripe, but I see, give, and get great deals regularly. True: it’s about 91.5% Krap at gun shows, but there are nuggets of weaponry sunshine. That’s the fun, right?

I loved the Taurus Judge ref, though — even if I’m totally buying one any show now :).

Peace.

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Patrick April 17, 2012 at 10:05 pm

OMG.

I was compiling a similar list recently until I came across this… now I can stop. You absolutely nailed it! — except that I would perhaps add a good corps of what I’d call, “zombie hunters” which is a mix of #10 and #14. These are the people that are hoping like hell the apocalypse comes before their unemployment runs out.

I just started selling at gunshows, and it is a trip. Nonstop fun, really. I especially like the really pissed off 500 pounders wearing blue blockers, a camo T-shirt large enough to be a tarp, and enough rolls on their necks to look like a package of hot dogs. These guys set up, sit down, and start bitching at people. I never actually see them sell anything. Amazing.

I would love to see the future of gunshows totally change. After my third gunshow, I’ve concluded it’s sort of like a swap meet slammed together with a circle jerk. But, it could be totally badass if we could get our shit together long enough to stop putting out 15-year-old, used camelbaks and crappy antique firearms nobody actually gives a shit about.

Anyway, thanks for the laugh. I loved your list.

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