Bodyguard Ballistic Blanket

Herp de derp:

Holy that was one of the most painful videos I’ve ever had to sit through.  These “solutions” now are coming out of the woodwork so often.  I wonder if people are actually buying them?  The ballistic shield, the Minnesota shot blocker etc… I have no idea how much this Bodyguard blanket is, because their website is unsurprisingly a piece of shit.

If you feel like you want even less confidence in their product, try to make it through this test:

HE’S A DOCTOR GUYS!  Ballistic gel and armor material.

I’m torn on what to think about these things.  I couldn’t imagine having a kid and explaining to them that they might actually DIE at school if they don’t carry this fucking stupid looking blanket I bought him or her, and know how to use it properly. Additionally can you imagine being one of the only kids with a derp blanket? That’s a ticket to unlimited swirlies and wedgies. Anyone else think that “teacher” looks sus?



Hat tip: Rick



Gizmo June 10, 2014 at 02:33 am

Need that in the home for the kids to sleep under for the no knock raids at night.


dwb June 10, 2014 at 03:53 am

Would I want my kids to carry one? No. The probability of something bad happening is miniscule. People tend to overstate the odds of sensational events. Do they even work the way they are being pictured – Doesn’t the barrier have to be up against something firm to work? Otherwise, you might just get a dangerous ricochet?


Andyhasky June 10, 2014 at 10:11 am

A dangerous ricochet is some other kids problem…


jim bob June 10, 2014 at 02:44 pm

seriously. let it hit the welfare kid going through a Linus phase. my kids are going to have tactical ball caps and flash bag lunchboxes along with their $5000 Mr Binky.


jim bob June 10, 2014 at 02:45 pm



Bman June 10, 2014 at 04:01 am

You said the website didn’t mention the price but I just saw a news story about these. They said $1,000.


ThomasChagrin June 10, 2014 at 04:05 am

Reminds me of “duck and cover!” from South Park.


Scott June 10, 2014 at 06:10 am

Ostrich puts head into sand.


Ray June 10, 2014 at 06:30 am

and like ALL soft armor it is utterly useless V. ANYTHING going faster than 1300FPS. I find it strange how may buy the “bullet proof” meme.


TheBear June 10, 2014 at 07:05 am

Erm… it will stop a lot of handgun rounds. That’s why cops wear it.

But drive on, Internet Ninja.


GameChanger June 10, 2014 at 11:54 am

A lot of handgun rounds travel slower than 1300fps or their shape is too broad and easily flattened by soft armor, that’s why he made the distinction.


Jim Jones June 10, 2014 at 07:21 am

Everybody knows you never go full retard.


Ray June 10, 2014 at 08:44 am

Dear knowitall internet jackasses , The fail point for Kevlar ballistic fabric is rated at 1300 FPS . The Blunt force trauma(the other thing 13 year old internet morons like Bear and Jim Jones seem to know nothing about) will kill or wound a child at anything over 700FPS even behind 15 layers of kevlar. Cops who are shot , are almost always shot with handguns; and almost always wind up in ICU from Blunt Force Trauma; IF the soft “armor” doesn’t fail completely and kill them. Soft body armor won’t stop rifle fire at all. If you are going to Troll you should at least have a basic understanding of the subject matter that didn’t come from COD , WOW, D&D or Wiki wrong. Soft body armor is all but worthless for protecting children as their bodies are so small the BFT causes non-recoverable injury to the nervous system and organs. AND. There is no such thing as “bullet proof”. No matter what kind of armor you hide behind SOMEONE has a projectile that makes holes in it.


TheBear June 10, 2014 at 09:07 am

Erm…. lots of assumptions there, buddy.

Firstly, I would never buy this thing for a child so I am not advocating for the product.

However, given the choice of a child taking blunt force trauma, or taking blunt force trauma with cavitation, destroyed flesh, fragmentation, wound cavity shockwaves and bleeding out…

I’d take the simple blunt force trauma every time.

As for your assumption that everyone else is an idiot, well, I can’t help with that. The internet is a huge cesspool of silly opinions after all.

I’ve actually seen people get hit while wearing armor. However, if projecting your insecurities onto others helps you deal with a crappy family life, or drunk dad, or fat angry wife, or kids who hate you, or being obese yourself, or some other stereotypical internet tough guy affliction then by all means, drive on with your bad self.


jpcmt June 10, 2014 at 09:21 am

Where have you seen people getting hit while wearing armor? What was the reason and your position there?


TheBear June 10, 2014 at 09:43 am

I comment pretty often on this site. Feel free to read my old replies and answer your own question.


Tito June 10, 2014 at 11:54 am

Maybe he’s slenderman. Maybe he has a habit of shooting people wearing soft armor, just as like, a hobby. Maybe it doesn’t f’ing matter. Rabble rabble rabble!!

I’m worried about the BFT to my forehead from face palming reading you all get real scientificy about this shit. Haha.


CrunkleRoss June 12, 2014 at 12:54 pm

Having seen in person Richard Davis shoot himself with a 44 magnum to prove his Second Chance vests work, I can’t believe that most Cops end up in ICU from blunt force trauma, that sounds like internet BS to me. It is true in later years the Dr’s advised him to stop but by that time he’d taken hundreds of rounds including rifle rounds.


T June 10, 2014 at 11:45 am

Now why in the hell is is bright orange?? If they’re getting shot at, wouldn’t it be good to not have a giant target strapped to your back?


T June 10, 2014 at 11:46 am

*is it


ENDO-Mike June 10, 2014 at 11:46 am

haha yea exactly. The orange would definitely have advantages if you’re using it for tornado or earthquake protection though!


CrunkleRoss June 10, 2014 at 12:43 pm

I’m guessing they made it a bright color so it looks like a regular mat you’d see at a school as to not tip off the shooter that it was ballistic protection. I think they are hoping the shooter would go ahead and shoot the orange thing figuring it was just a mat and the bullets would go thru rather than realizing it is protection and getting closer to shoot around it. Just my WAG.


GameChanger June 10, 2014 at 12:02 pm

Are the designers of this product hoping that a potential gunman is going to be stupid enough to stand directly over the kid as he is shooting. That side exposure sure leaves a lot left to be desired!


AJ187 June 10, 2014 at 01:16 pm

This and every other product of its ilk is probably commissioned by the brady campaign to spread more fear and propaganda….


IllTemperedCur June 11, 2014 at 08:52 am

So this company’s business plan is based on the idea that hiding under the woobie will make the boogeyman go away?


Marcus June 11, 2014 at 12:11 pm

I’m actually OK with buying a bunch of these for each classroom and teaching kids how to form a proper phalanx.


Brian June 12, 2014 at 04:08 am

How about instead of a grand per student for these blankets get each teacher a pistol and the appropriate training. It would be much cheaper and much more effective.


matt RRC June 15, 2014 at 01:11 pm

School Incursions!


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